Publishing Officestuck
by gnomechompskis
Summary: The kids and trolls are human adults working in a publishing office. When John botches a major operation, he's gotta fix it, but no one can know about his screw-up. There's only one thing do. And he figures it must involve Nic Cage.


**Rated T for Language :)**

_So hey guys. On my blog, I asked my followers to send me in any Homestuck AU they could possibly think of and I'd tell them who each character would be in said AU. One of the AUs I got was Publishing Officestuck...and I liked the idea so much I decided to write a fanfiction about it! This is my first Homestuck fanfic, and I'm still in Act 4...but I've got a good friend behind me putting me in line when the characters get a little OOC._

_I hope you guys like it what I've got so far!~_

_Also I apologize for the weird spacing. I use TextEdit...and when I uploaded the file here the spacing got all clumped together and ugh. I did my best. Anyways._

_Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Why would anyone think that. If I owned it, I would not be here writing fanfictions about it. Who does that anyway._

_Let the fic begin!_

...

- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 01:20 -

TG: so dude

EB: dave? how are you even messaging me right now? i'm looking at your desk right now and you're not at it

TG: my iphone duh so anyway dude

EB: but i still don't get it where are you?

TG: oh my god youre so fucking stupid im at the copier like i always am

EB: how do you never get in trouble for that?

TG: the boss probably has some kind of obsessive gay crush on me

EB: i don't think that's what it is dave…

TG: either that or he's threatened by me

TG: so hes trying to kill me

EB: i don't think that's the case either dave...

TG: no dude

TG: hear me out

TG: ill be sitting here in the copy room minding my own fucking business

TG: and hell come in here with a box knife trying to slice me up like a fucking loaf of bread fresh out of the oven

TG: but then his ugly as a chimpanzee secretary will come in and be like

TG: mr garrison theres a call for you on line one

TG: and hell be like

TG: fuck off janet cant you see im trying to do something here

TG: go fucking file some shit or whatever

EB: listen dave i gotta go. mr garrison is doing his rounds. later

- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 01:26 -

TG: and then janet will finally flip her shit and be like

TG: im sick of all this

TG: shell kick off her fucking inch heels and theyll stab him in the eye and hell be like fuck

TG: my contacts

TG: janet you bitch ill kill you

TG: and ill just stand there and watch all the gore

TG: limbs flying left and right

TG: accident free in zero days now fuckers

TG: guess were gonna have to call the union

TG: get their fucking asses down here

TG: excuse me union but janets over here handing mr garrisons ass on a silver platter lined with fine toiletries and tampons

TG: were gonna need some backup over here

TG: get some fucking blowtorches here

TG: this aint like one of them drunken pillow fights that happen in college

TG: anyway later

"Egbert!"

John leapt up in his chair, "Y-yes, sir Mr. Garrison sir?"

"What are you working on right now?"

John started filing through some manila folders in his open drawer. "I was just going through that Hardy Day manuscript and I really think that-" A hand slammed on the papers.

"Listen. Egbert. It's real cute that you've got an opinion on this, but I really didn't ask for one, did I?" He cocked his head to the side and glared down at John, who was retreating further and further into his seat. He felt as though Mr. Garrison were crushing him with his eyes, pushing him deeper into his cheap, squeaky, pleather office chair. John always hated when he asserted his power over him like this. He just wanted to escape. Some cool kind of escape. Like Indiana Jones or something. He also hated these freaking office chairs. During the summer his dang legs would stick to the pleather and make all this noise and everyone would stare at him and it just wasn't a good idea to wear those shor-

"Egbert!" Mr. Garrison shouted, grabbing his attention once more.

"I'm sorry, sir."

"What are you even doing with that manuscript anyway? That's Harley's job. Go give her the manuscript."

"I'm sorry, sir."

"Stop apologizing and get it done. I'm watching you, Egbert."

"Sorry sir…" He replied weakly, as Mr. Garrison walked off. John adjusted his glasses and closed the drawer. He looked down at the manuscript and frowned. He knew his job wasn't to read the manuscripts. Like Mr. Garrison said, that was Jade's responsibility. It's not like he _wanted _to read it. Jade was just so busy with other ones she begged John to help her out. Not that she really needed to. He couldn't just say no to his sister.

Almost all the workers were sick of books. They didn't like looking at them, hated reading them, and never wanted to see one again. At the company, all they did was read. Read paperwork, read requests, read mail, and occasionally a manuscript if Jade was sick or on vacation. The last thing they wanted to do with their free time was read more. John was no exception. But, when it came to friends and family, he made sacrifices.

He let out a disappointed sigh and slowly rose from his noisy pleather chair. Now he had to tell Jade Mr. Garrison wouldn't let him read the manuscript. As if she didn't have enough to worry about. Jade was a part of the higher ranks of the company because she took her work very seriously. Sure she'd get a little scatterbrained, but she did her best, and that earned her a spot in the big leagues.

As John walked to her office, he contemplated ways to break the news to her. He strolled past the copy room and of course, Dave was in there. Like always. He never could understand how he never got in trouble. Dave rarely did any work. …Why did he even bother coming to work every day if all he was going to do was stand in the copy room? Whatever. It didn't make sense to him. Dave was an enigma and he'd probably never understand him and all his ironic glory. He continued walking.

When John was past the copy room, Terezi came wandering in. She was like Dave in that she rarely worked too. She just popped around the office, going from desk to desk, to the bathroom, to the roof, to the break room, to the window…anywhere she felt like going, really. She liked pulling pranks on the unfortunate streetwalkers below their towering skyscraper. Terezi would frequently rope Dave into her schemes, and they thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it. When she was in the mood, she'd visit Dave in the copy room. You would always find Dave in there. No one ever saw him go in or out. He was just planted in that room.

It was rumored that he was the one responsible for all those unlabeled bottles of apple juice in the break room fridge…but no one ever really looked in to it.

Terezi crept into the copy room. "Hehehe."

Dave shot her a smug grin and leaned against the counter, "Well heya Rez."

She came all the way in and stood next to Dave. Placing her hand over his, she leaned closer and whispered in his ear, "I got something in the bathroom, Dave."

"Is it the…?"

She nodded in reply.

A mischievous smirk crept along his face. "Sweet." He slowly lifted himself from the counter and continued, "Well, you go get it, and I'll go wait by the window. Rez, this is probably the greatest idea we've ever had." She giggled in return. "Like, seriously, this is better than fucking Benjamin Franklin and his key and lightning and shit. Those pioneers that shaped this country got nothing on the shit that is about to go down."

John was still on his way to Jade's office. Because she was in a position of higher authority than he was, he had to travel further to get to her. She was stationed near the top of the building. Not the very top, but quite close. All the elevators were down for repairs, so he had to climb the stairs, an adventure he wasn't looking forward to. He saw Terezi and Dave huddled by one of the windows, about to unleash their latest scheme, he was sure. John rolled his eyes and continued toward Jade's office.

"Noooooooooooo! What are you guys doing?"

Dave turned around to see who was interrupting their plan. Terezi didn't care. She held her hand outside the window, holding something.

"Tereziiiii!"

She let it fall.

A shout of disgust that turned to anger soon followed. Terezi snickered and Dave couldn't help but let a small grin form on his lips.

Operation Mayonnaise Waterballoon was a success.

Terezi high-fived Dave and laughed some more.

"You guuuuys that's the second time this week!" Nepeta complained. She crossed her arms and pouted, "Do I have to send you two to Equius?"

Dave looked out the window and released a heaving, annoyed sigh, "No one is scared of you and your little Human Resources department. Why don't you just go back to your dinky little office filled with cats? That shithole smells like someone had a fucking frat party and the awkward fat kid blew chunks all over the ground." Nepeta's nose crinkled in disgust, "Grooooooss, Dave! No need to go into such nasty detail…" Terezi playfully hit Dave and snickered some more. He grinned in return and took her hand, "Come on, Rez, let's go file some shit or something."

As they walked away, Nepeta turned around and sighed. She crossed her arms tighter and pouted again, "Nobody ever takes me seriously. Hmph."

"ARE YOU FUCKING RETARDED IT SAYS RIGHT THERE ON THE FUCKING INSIDE COVER WHAT YEAR IT WAS PUBLISHED. WHY ARE YOU SO FUCKING STUPID WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO-" Nepeta faced where the rage was coming from.

She felt herself melt as a stupid smile grew on her face.

He felt a hand lightly graze his,  
>and was suddenly confused.<p>

The hand violently snatched the phone away from him and shoo'd him away with hushed, angered whispers. The caller on the other end heard a saccharine voice, a stark comparison to the angry fumes emanating from the previous support center employee. "I am very sorry, sir." The voice said. "Sounds like you got directed to the wrong line," It continued as the speaker shot a look at the previous one. He glared back and angrily sat back in his chair. Nepeta came up to the desk and smiled her big, stupid grin, "Heya Karkat." Karkat was still fuming. "It's ok, Karkat! Feferi's got it all taken care of!" Her smile expanded as she innocently cocked her head to the side and let out a soft giggle. Karkat was too busy flipping off Feferi to notice.

Karkat shot a glance backwards where the noise was coming from. "IF IT'S MAKING THAT NOISE FUCKASS IT MEANS YOU'RE SHREDDING TOO MANY FUCKING PAPERS!" Kanaya glared back, "I have a good idea. How about you shut your damn noise hole and let me do my job, you ignorant swine."

"OHOHOHOHO LOOK AT ME I'M KANAYA I USE INTELLIGENT WORDS BECAUSE I'M SO FUCKIN GREAT!"

"Well at least I do not lose my shit every time I talk to a customer."

"ALL YOU DO IS SHRED PAPERS, WHEN DO YOU TALK TO CUSTOMERS?"

"All I am saying is you could not control your temper even if you tried."

"OHHHH FUCK. FUCKING KANAYA THE WISE ALL UP IN HERE. FUCKING SHIT. YOU DON'T KNOW THESE FUCKING IDIOTS. THEY ARE ALL FUCKASSES."

"That may be so, but they are the ones paying your rent."

"I-FUCK OFF YOU FUCKASS."

Kanaya let a smug grin curl along her lips and continued shredding the documents.

Karkat sat in his chair and began cursing under his breath. Nepeta looked at Karkat, then back at Kanaya, then to Feferi

So many phones ringing

All this yelling

Nepeta flailed her arms in the air and let out a little sob, "IT'S SO LOUD IN HEEEEEERE!" She shouted and ran off crying. She made a beeline straight for the bathroom, when she ran into someone.

"Heya Nep." He rolled his shoulders a bit and waggled his eyebrows. He attempted a wink, but quickly found he was failing badly so he gave up on that. Nepeta pushed him away, "Not now, Eridan." She wiped her eyes, then slowly looked up upon realizing something, "…Why are you in front of the girl's bathroom, Eridan?"

Eridan leaned coolly against the door, and looked far off into the distance as if remembering some fond memory, "This is where I pick up the ladies." Nepeta looked at him strangely and tried reaching for the doorknob. Eridan quickly turned his body and said, "Oh noooo your hand is on my butt." Nepeta sighed and pulled her hand away, "Eridan, please get out of the way." Eridan sprawled against the door and lifted his leg up on the handle, "No." Nepeta tried reaching for the doorknob again, but halfway there, decided to stop. Instead, she tried moving Eridan out of the way, but every time he would just swerve to the left or right, bob up and down; they were dancing in a wrestling ring.

Suddenly a door kicked open and all the noise subsided. A cat-like smile spread across Nepeta's face, "Oh hey, Equius." Eridan gulped and let out a small, "wehhhh."

But he felt the hem of a skirt graze against his legs. …Equius wasn't a crossdresser…

"Sorry! Sorry! Coming through! Excuse me! Waaaahhhhh!" She tripped and all the papers went flying. Nepeta gasped, "Oh no! Are you ok, Jade? What's the rush?"  
>"I just got all this stuff to deliver to the mailbox downstairs…I saw the mailman down there and I just have to…"<br>"The mailman came and left, Jade."Jade turned towards the voice. She lowered her head, disappointed, "Oh…darn…I really needed to send this out today…"

The speaker blushed just the slightest bit, "I suppose…I can…fucking deliver it for you. …Seeing as you're so fucking stupid and you can't do anything right…" Jade looked up and smiled, "You'd really do that, Karkat?" Karkat shoved his hands in his pockets and looked away, "Yeah, fuck." Jade quickly got up and smiled, "Thanks, Karkat!" She laughed a bit, "I just gotta pick everything up first then…"

"I'll h-"  
>"I'LL HELP!" Eridan chimed, quickly bending over to assist her. He crawled backwards, right into her hand, "Ohhhh noooooo your hand is on my butt."<p>

Meanwhile John had finally reached Jade's floor. Panting, he practically fell into her office as he opened the door. "Jade, I had to return that manuscript….Mr. Garri-" He looked up. "DAMMIT WHERE IS SHE?" He quickly got to his feet and ran out the door. He vaguely heard Tavros and Gamzee practice their rapping in the company kitchen. He didn't have time to stop and listen though. He had to get that freaking manuscript back to Jade, but where was she?  
>"Rose!"<br>Rose turned and saw John running, "Woah, what's the rush?"  
>"I need to find Jade. I have to give her this manuscript back before Mr. Garrison finds me still holding it."<br>"Well, why?"  
>"He's not in a good mood."<br>"He's never in a good mood, John."  
>"UGHHH! Have you seen her?"<br>"Last I saw she ran down to your floor to drop off some mail."  
>"Awesomethankslater!" John dashed off, yet again. Running downstairs wasn't as hard as running up them, so soon he was back at his own floor. "Just a few more staircases…" He thought. He looked up towards the faint, natural light shining through the windows in the stairwells. He could see all the particles of dust glimmer as they floated around in the spotlight projecting on the opposite wall.<p>

Then, he missed a stair.

Luckily it was the very last stair, so he just fell on the ground preceding the next staircase. He stood up and dusted himself off, with just a little damage. Suddenly it hit him. **He wasn't holding anything anymore.  
><strong>He looked toward the open window and quickly looked outside it. There flew the manuscript. All 203 pages, fluttering in the wind. Useless pieces of trash now that they were scattered.

This was bad.

If Mr. Garrison ever found out he _lost _a manuscript, he would definitely be fired. He couldn't tell Jade he lost it. She'd probably be penalized too for giving John the manuscript in the first place. He couldn't tell anyone else either. None of his coworkers were very good with his secrets.  
>He had to do something!<br>So he decided. He'd write his own book. His own manuscript to replace the one he lost.

…But what would it be about?

...

So? What do you think? Review! :D


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